The Old Spice guy from Staten Island

Yes, that's right someone had to do a parody of the Old Spice guy, and it had to be Staten Islander Vinny from MTV's sleaze-fest Jersey Shore. Naturally. This will be a New Year's Eve we will never forget - especially if the Snooki midnight ball drop goes as well as that new Spider Man musical.

Angelina: Jersey Shore to porn star?

Where do you expect Jersey Shore star Angelina Pivarnick to go for employment? Back to the dental office on Bard Avenue?

Aw, hell no. Radaronline is reporting that Staten Island's serial reality TV show quitter was recently made a $50,000 offer she simply can't refuse. It could make her the borough's first celebrity porn star.

The offer - launched by hot shot celeb sex tape company Vivid (Google it) - requires the production of a Jersey Shore-themed porn movie starring the so-called Kim Kardashian of Staten Island.

In the prospective deal, not only does Angelina get the $50K, but also shares in the profits. Not bad. But, she told Radar that she wasn't likely to take it:

When asked if she was prepared to do the porn, Angelina told RadarOnline.com: "No, I'm not. I'm definitely not."

So what happens now? Are we done with this woman? Has she had her run, or will she stick around and show up at Fushimi for the Season 3 premiere, attracting the local media and SILive video crew?

The problem with Angelina - like others in the Shore cast - is that there is no intrinsic value in what she does, like the 500 dollar bill. 

She's not even rich like other, more successful mindless entertainment stars, so the prospect of following her everyday life is not particularly exciting. Unless, of course, she is naked.

Angelina's rap: the remix

It's the best piece of music to come out of Staten Island since the last Budos album, or Ingrid Michaelson, or whatever crap you people listen to.

NO. We are not talking about the horribly awesome rap song leaked to TMZ this week. The one with Staten Island native, and Jersey Shore actress, Angelina doing her impersonation of a whiny cat getting run over by trunk. Not that one.

It's the remix! By Staten Island's own DJ LowBall.

In case you're not in the know of Island culture/high art, LowBall is the guy who DJs at local hot spots every so often with an iPod for, like, real cheap.

You can catch LowBall himself, at a venue near you. Just name your price. But for now here's his latest creation:

10 questions for 'The Situation'

Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino came to the Barnes and Noble by The Staten Island Mall Wednesday night to sell some books.

As the 'Jersey Shore' wanes in popularity (MTV is already moving on to younger programming) the reality star is grasping at his newfound fame and whatever monetary deals come his way.

The Situation - or, more accurately, his ghostwriter - has written a new book that celebrates his shallow, manufactured, misogynist lifestyle.

Even the local paper could not hide their contempt as we detect a smidge of snark in their straight report.

Reportedly 600 people showed up, and the video verifies that at least some screaming young women were excited about the opportunity to meet the character and/or read his epic piece of literature.

Since we have no desire to go near this piece of shit, unless given the opportunity to smack him in the face, here what we would have asked him:

Shocker: Angelina's mall fight was PR stunt

If you're not keeping up with your 'Jersey Shore'-related news, Staten Island's favorite serial-quitter of reality shows got into a tussle in the Hot Topic of the Staten Island Mall this week.

The biggest shock about this incident - besides the fact that Angelina shops at Hot Topic - was that the whole thing was a PR stunt (according to the Staten Island's intrepid mall cops).

Wow, didn't see that coming.

Radar Online got all the juicy quotes from Angelina's mom:  

"Angelina and her girlfriend got jumped at the mall by two teenage girls," said momma Trashbags. "The security guards did nothing to help them and told her, 'This is a publicity stunt, we have no time for this."  

Requiem for Trashbags

(When we all tune into this week's Jersey Shore, it will be missing our favorite character - Angelina. She left us again last week after a physical altercation with the little Chilean* girl from Poughkeepsie - video below. A look back at our muse. The boro's finest.)

To Angelina:

You came into our life with the emotional baggage of a pampered outer-borough Italian, and the actual baggage of laundry, packed into Hefty Cinch-Sacks.

Your self-appointed nick names (Kim Kardashian of Staten Island, Jolie) never caught on. Because they were terrible. Your colleagues came up with better ones - although we will not let you take ours.

From behind the receptionist desk of Dr. Flynn on Bard Avenue to a summer rental in Seaside Heights, you were destined to become one of the great reality stars of our generation. But something went horribly wrong.

You were - let's face it - a cold bitch. And made no friends. And weren't very interesting, except when you were yelling at people. Then, just like that, you left us.

Jersey Shore: Angelina is the Staten Island Ferry?

On a recent episode of 'Jersey Shore,' Mike The Situation Sorrentino served up an insightful metaphor about Staten Island's sexiest administrative-dental-assistant Angelina.

"Angelina is just like the Staten Island ferry. It's free and everybody gets a ride."

Great line, Mr. Situation. Who's writing your jokes, anyways? 

As ferry riders, we were intrigued by his remark. But, however apt the analogy, it left us with an even more pressing concern:

If Angelina was the Staten Island Ferry, which ferry would she be? It's a tough choice - we looked into the options:

Jersey Shore: Angelina and Vinny smash

Thursday's 'Jersey Shore' was a Staten Island smoosh fest. There was fighting, crying, drinking, and the eventually sweet, sweet love-making from the most unlikely couple.

The all-Staten duo of Angelina and Vinny smashed one night after a drunken bout of partying - even though they were battling the entire episode and Vinny didn't even buy her a Fossil watch or anything.

In the midst of the Staten smoosh, Situation and Paulie tried to brand Angelina the Staten Island Dump which is obviously copyright infringement, but we can't really get into it (our lawyers are working on this)

In the end, the episode taught us a lesson about guidos on Staten Island.

When we are drunk we'll never pass up the opportunity the bang a hot chic, cute dude, guidette, juicehead, grenade, bottom of the sneaker. The are no limits or laws on Staten Island. No rules except the ones we impose upon ourselves.

This is what makes us such great fodder for reality TV. Our self righteous attitude is so palpable, it almost justifies itself.  We don't even have to act like assholes, because we already are.

Angelina and Vinny were having a great time that night. They'll probably wake up and pretend it never happened - or not remember it at all. Whatever, that's how we do out here.

Jersey blames us for their crappy show

The results are in.

A new Quinnipiac poll tackles the pressing concern about what state is to blame for this returning phenomenon as contagious as an unwanted STD - otherwise known as MTV's reality show 'Jersey Shore.'

One-third of New Jersey residents blame New York for these retarded misfits, and when they say 'New York' you know who they're talkin' about.

Also, more than half of the state finds the show revolting, which would make them about 50 percent right.

"Garden State voters don't like the show and believe it's bad for the state," said some guy in charge of the polling.

By our informal head count three members from this illustrious 'Jersey Shore' cast hail from Staten: Angelina, some douchebag, and some other douchbag.

But all this hard data left us with one burning question:

Why the effe did they conduct a poll on this? Isn't there other problems in this country that need to be addressed and analyzed by the Quinnipiac polling farm?

Jersey Shore Halloween costumes look familiar

There are 'Jersey Shore' Halloween costumes on sale NOW -- which is ridiculous -- but it's amazing how similar they are to pretty much regular clothes people buy at the Staten Island Mall.

In fact, if your from Staten Island, just go over to your Facebook page and any one of those 'friends' you never spoke to in high school probably looks exactly like this.

There's a deluxe costume, which is pretty the same thing except a bit douchier. But the 'costumes' really look like outerwear for South Shore residents who frequent the Buddha Lounge.

There's a completely separate category for the Snooki costume, because -- has anyone noticed -- 80 percent of girls on Staten Island are dressing like Snooki now for some reason.

Jersey Shore's Snooki to pen dictionary for guidos, guidettes

Now anyone can speak like a drunk Italian midget.

The Hollywood Reporter claims that Jersey Shore's biggest train wreck is writing a 'Snooktionary' - an epic tome that will explain the various euphemisms and slang terms of your favorite Italian-American stereotypes.

We are not sure what Snooki - or her ghost writer - will include in the 'Snooktionary,' but here are some suggestions.

Snooki: less Tony Soprano more GG Allin

Like a bad case of herpes MTV's 'Jersey Shore' returned this week aiding some misguided clowns as they degrade themselves and take an entire culture and geographic location down along with them.

Geronimo!

Not that there is zero merit or history in this form of entertainment - one can see the debasing performance art of GG Allin in their brand of self loathing sadism - but this particular method of sacrifice is done without apparent knowledge of the repercussions or tangential effect on others. (Live Fast Die = GTL?)

It's television at its most basest form - sex, drugs and rock and roll without the rock and roll. Substance is replaced with shallow, feeble-minded materialism. Talent replaced with cleavage, insults, and testosterone.

Staten Island is not prominently featured in the 'Jersey Shore' series, but occasionally pops up as a rhetorical punching bag along with a myriad of other offensive, derogatory, demeaning statements and actions done and said to gain attention (because, what more is there to achieve than stardom?)

Staten Island's own Angelina refers to herself as the 'Kim Kardashian of Staten Island' because what the fuck is Kim Kardashian famous for again?

Drunk Staten Island man crashes into New Jersey trailer park

Makin us proud!

For reasons that are not immediately clear to investigators, a man from Staten Island crashed his car into a New Jersey trailer park wreaking havoc and then making a run for it, according to a report by Courier News.

The incident occurred about 5 p.m. on Wednesday when Robert Glogocheski, a 28-year-old Islander, allegedly smashed his vehicle into a trailer home at Steve's Trailer Park on Route 18 in East Brunswick.

Glogocheski left the scene, but police tracked him down shortly after near another trailer where he was drunk and tending to his injured hand.

He admitted to crashing the car and was arrested for criminal mischief, driving while intoxicated, and leaving the scene of an accident.

The trailer is apparently so destroyed it can not be used anymore.

Glogocheski is locked up on bail.

Bloggers attack Staten Island

It's hard to believe that anyone could not like Staten Island. It's literally one of the greatest boroughs in NYC.

Recently, a 'blogger' wrote something on the interweb site Slate.com that called Staten Island 'Planet of the Guidos' -- and they meant that in a bad way.

Anyways, this set off a firestorm of comments from other a-hole bloggers who wanted to 'feed off the Staten Island hype.'

We tried to read the Slate blog, but it's hard to understand, so we went to a place called Gothamist, which is like a BrooklynVegan for Manhattanite transplants. This is what we found:

"Staten Island was always full of douchebags,"

What the effe?

"keep SI'ers confined to their island."

effe you! Somebody needs to tell these people off. What makes them the standard-bearers for high culture in NYC?

When did Italians get so homo erotic?

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All the News That's Fit to Paste

When there’s third-hand gossip about Staten Island’s favorite reality train wreck, “Jersey Shore,” you need to break the news, and break it fast. So where should the locals go to get their daily guido-smut update? Do we choose SILive.com, Internet home of the prestigious Advance, or peruse celeb gossip queen Perez Hilton?

Answer: It doesn’t matter. It’s the same damn thing.

Today's news was that "Jersey Shore" may be coming back for another season. Halfway through an online post from SILive.com, the Advance goes full on copy/paste mode via Perez Hilton:

While chatting up some ladies the Staten Islander revealed, "They want us to do another season" and after the girls wanted Vinny to come with them to another club, he explained, "We can't really go out and make unpaid appearances."
-SILive

While chatting up some ladies he revealed, "They want us to do another season" and after the girls wanted Vinny to come with them to another club, he explained, "We can't really go out and make unpaid appearances."

-Perez Hilton

No attribution, just a hyperlink to a Daily News piece, which uses the same quote with original writing.

The piece goes on to “quote” Perez Hilton but makes no mention of the complete paste job that goes on throughout the article. Like this:

Cast member Vinny Guadagino -- and AWE "Whose Your Favorite Jersey Shore Cast member poll winner -- broke thew(sic) news Tuesday night at the Manhattan premiere of the new Michael Cera film "Youth in Revolt."
-SILive

Cast member Vinny Guadagino spilled the beans on Tuesday at the Youth in Revolt after-party at La Pomme in NYC.

-Perez Hilton

And then:

Flying solo at paid party appearances, DJ Pauly D, The Situation and Snooki bank $7,500 each. Vinny nets $3,500, Ronnie and Sammi Sweeheart have to show up together for the bargain price of $3,000.
-SILive

On their own Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, DJ Pauly D and Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi pocket $7,500 per appearance, Vinny gets $3,500 while coupled up Ronnie Magro and Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola can show up together for the bargain price of $3,000!
-Perez Hilton

Notice they've replaced "on their own" with a catchy euphemism, "flying solo," and "pocket" with the more salacious verb, "bank."

We know it’s hard for an old dinosaur to keep up with the kids in the interwebs, but this is just sloppy. High schoolers flunk on crap like this.

If we didn’t know better we’d think the Advance actually broke this story, or at least wrote it. The article is credited to Staten Island Advance Entertainment Desk, which probably means, “that intern who knows HTML.”

Jersey Shore's Situation is a Stripper

Shocker: before he was embarrassing Italians on MTV's sleaze-fest Jersey Shore, cast member Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino was a stripper for All American Male.


The company, based in NYC and Atlantic City, has been voted - "#1 Male Strip Show & Hottest Male Strippers in the Nation by Male Strippers Directory." We have to admit, it's not much of a stretch. No surprises here. The site says it all.

Ladies Remember:

What Happens at "All American Male",
Stays at "All American Male"!