On a recent episode of 'Jersey Shore,' Mike The Situation Sorrentino served up an insightful metaphor about Staten Island's sexiest administrative-dental-assistant Angelina.
"Angelina is just like the Staten Island ferry. It's free and everybody gets a ride."
Great line, Mr. Situation. Who's writing your jokes, anyways?
As ferry riders, we were intrigued by his remark. But, however apt the analogy, it left us with an even more pressing concern:
If Angelina was the Staten Island Ferry, which ferry would she be? It's a tough choice - we looked into the options:
Andrew J. Barberi:
This is the obvious choice. Why obvious, you say? Well, it just so happens that the Barberi crashed in 2003 when the captain was drunk or on pills or something. The fixed the boat, and then it crashed again in May due to a mechanical failure. It would seem that this perpetually doomed ferry is a perfect fit for the self-destructive, live-fast-die, aspect of Jersey Shore culture. But, this is too easy. There must be a better choice.
Samuel I. Newhouse:
Nah. Way too old. If you're ever on the Newhouse ferry and some stranger walked up to you and said, 'Hey, It's 1973' you would totally believe them. In fact, the Newhouse ferry is a bit like 'Lost.' It's a sideways flashback every time you get on and you're not sure which version of reality is valid: the one before you boarded the Newhouse or this 1973-looking ferry boat with its awful, staid yellow and blue seats.
John F. Kennedy:
The Kennedy is not only old (built in '65) but it's spent and used up with its scratched wooden seats, marked with the notches of every graffiti dude who slummed it to Staten in the past four or five decades. So, not Angelina yet. But maybe in 20 years or so -- get back to us.
No offense to Miss Austen herself ("one of America's earliest and most prolific female photographers") but this is clearly the most pitiful of all ferry boats. In fact, we are pretty sure they only haul this thing out after 3 a.m. for all the poor saps who work late and the crackheads who need a trip back to the Island. Even Angelina has more class than this piece of shit.
Spirit of America:
The Spirit of America ferry boat (2004) is a fantastic, voluptuous piece of machinery -- shiny, agile, and still has that new ferry smell. Of course, it has weathered its storms but the boat still just manages to look so damn good. Lest we forget that the Spirit has by far the best bottom floor. Also, the upper 'Hurricane Deck' accentuates the boat with an extra boost of space in the most important place up top - and provides tourists with a great viewing experience!