Wednesday, May 5, 2010

The Guido Faux Hawk

Have you guys seen this incredibly doucey hairdo?

It's the punk-rock-turned-emo faux hawk, re-imagined for the cast of Jersey Shore.

Last week, we were at the Hilton Garden Inn for a conference of the Staten Island Economic Development Committee -- the epitome of the Island's cesspool of high culture and socialites --- and some enormous dickhead walked in, with a freshly pressed outfit straight from the Hot Topic catalogue, and was sporting this god awful 'anti-establishment' rat's nest on his Bamaha Bronzed scalp.

Thing is -- this was the second time in one week that we encountered this monstrosity on Staten Island.

The 'Guido hawk' is markedly different from its punk rock descendent in a number of ways.

1. Hair Gel: Much more is used, creating a more manufactured effect. This isn't your cool uncle's bed head.

2. Length: The guido faux is short. No Tim Armstrong spikes that poke someone's eye out or look like a paper Chinese folding fan.

3. Sculpt: This faux is carefully crafted by only the finest of Italian-American hands. Hours a day can be spent in the bathroom of their gated mini-mansion, while the young men carefully tweak each last strand until the final product is a proud example of both their individuality and their oneness with Staten Island's MTV, Meatpackers District couture.


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