Tarzan fiasco rocks Staten Island

So the Advance ran this great piece Wednesday on a new addition to a woman's incredibly ridiculous lawn decor on Todt Hill Road.

Tarzan has abandoned his jungle habitat in favor of the front yard of Alla Shchegol’s home...

It looks as though this possibly unstable person has added a new statue (aka "Tarzan") to a front lawn already cluttered with all sorts of wild animals which are enticing random passers-by to gawk and nearly cause accidents on an already hard-to-drive narrow, winding hill.

Even Gothamist picked up on this epic story because, hey, it's a guy swinging on a rope(!).

Meanwhile, the Dump has done an investigation and we are pretty sure a big lie has been perpetrated on all the good people of Richmond County.

This it totally NOT Tarzan!

First of all, Tarzan wears a fucking loincloth, this guy is fully-clothed. What is that a freakin button-down? Plus, Tarzan uses primitive tools -- a spear, not a knife. And that rope --- Tarzan swings on a god damned vine people!

This guy on Gothamist is convinced that the statue is Robinson Crusoe. While this individual thinks it may be a pirate.

Whatever it is, be careful when you drive down Todt Hill Road. Some ahole is gonna stop short when he sees this thing and get rear-ended.

In the meantime, we are hoping for a retraction from the Staten Island Advance, followed by a long-form investigative piece that uncovers who this character is because it clearly is not Tarzan.